these are some notes i found while sorting my stuff. i dont really want my family to find them some day. so they're going on here and the notes are being destroyed.

i think most are from grade 12 and the one semester of grade 13 that i took.

-I just feel like writing, but i'm not sure what to write about. I suppose I could write about myself, hm? <3

-I hate my writing with a passion. its ugly and makes me look unintelligent and handicapped.

-I think i have finally become comfortable with my body. im proud of my figure. i pretend not to sometimes so i dont feel self centered, especially when i get compliments from people. i like compliments but i never know what to say to them. <3

-I am fairly pessimistic and judgmental. i should be, to each their own right? i believe that, when its up/about to me. but when im thinking of other people i think that they do everything for attention. half of them actually do.

-i think too much bout life; people, peoples thoughts, peoples

feelings, how i look, what others think of how i look, how /others/ look, why they look the way they do, and others. i over

analysis* everything. i HATE that analyze* isnt spelt right.
(yes i corrected myself in the note, but not quite like that)

-i cant talk to people that i dont know. i think its because i have no idea what is going on in their head and i need to know in order to be comfortable around them. small talk is difficult for me. its too awkward and pointless.why cant we just start talking about life right away? "Hi, my name is Jenny, I think too much and judge people way too fast. if you dont make a good impression i may never talk to you again. even if you do, i wont keep talking to you if you dont attempt to keep the friendship as well. friendships are difficult if only one person is putting in the effort."

-i hate the fact that i like to smoke weed. i probably would be much smarter right now if i never smoked a bong. speaking of which, excuse me while i smoke one. I'm kidding, I havent smoked up at school in a long time.

i always wind up dating people who are against it or just wont do it with me. i want to smoke up with my boyfriend!

-my worst fear is to be like my mother.. i dont want to put my husband through the things that my dad has to deal with. agree with her when you dont want to, thinking through every sentence because anything could set her off. she asks for help, but can

t handle constructive criticizes about her food and only sparingly about her drawings. the fact is, its too much to think about all the time. i couldnt put someone through that.

does writing out these things help me? does it make me realize what i should change?

(basically everything in that note has changed, i called it at the end there. heh, maybe i'm not as stupid as i think i am.)

i have had enough of this shit.

first, dad does not think ONLY women are crazy, men definitely are too. all i said was BOTH MEN AND WOMAN are crazy!

most women think FAR more than what is healthy for a human and about the wrong things. women think that people hate them but have no e

vidence to back up the fact. AND we have horrible mood swings and blow EVERYTHING out of proportion!

men just act, and dont think about the consequences.

like dad saying "I" instead of "we". I agreed with dad because HE IS RIGHT! not because i get some crazy sick enjoyment out of hearing you scream at me about taking sides. NO! he didnt even think about giving you credit for thinking about inviting aunt doreen out for lunch, all he was thinking was asking her to lunch, which YOU asked him to do even though it was YOUR idea. you could have just called her yourself!

dad does not think as much as he should before he speaks, and you know this!

i cant deal with this /shit/ anymore!

WE ARE YOUR FAMILY AND WE FUCKING LOVE YOU

get that through your thick fucking skull.

maybe next time i agree with dad you should shut your trap, and actually listen to us. and REALIZE that YOU ARE WRONG.

You're just crazy like the rest of us women. fuck.

Mom

you will be better off if im not around.

it seems that when im around i always manage to make things worse.

i always say the wrong thing around you and make our fights much bigger and worse than they should be.

im sorry that i hurt you and that i can never make anything better. which is all i ever try to do.

i love you mom. and i hate seeing you unhappy.

we have great, in-depth conversations that even teach life-long lessons.

we have lots of fun together; being silly, serious, and just plain family.

thats what we are, family.

and families are honest.

and they love each other.

please. im tired of being told otherwise. just know that i love you and /always/ will.

i may say the wrong thing sometimes or i may start a fight over nothing. but i never do it on purpose.

imsosorry.