Wednesday, February 20, 2013
And NOW!
I'm excited for this weekend! :D
all my favourite people
alcohol
lots of food
it will be wonderful.
all my favourite people
alcohol
lots of food
it will be wonderful.
Negativity Drain
Have you ever dug yourself into such a deep hole that you don't know how to climb out?
Sometimes you just gotta sit in the hole you made
And suck it up.
I can't help feeling that we could have had it all.
I can't STOP feeling that we would have had it all.
I'm terribly shy when I meet someone new, I'm worse when I meet someone I've heard about before.
So now I gotta stop worrying about shit like this.
Every time I scratch my nails down someone elses back I hope you feel it.
Oh can you feel it?
Death seems more peaceful to me now.
Anythings gotta be better than this place.
On an evening such as this, I don't feel as if I exist.
I know you never meant to do everything you put me through
It's okay, I forgive you.
Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes
I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind.
This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
Well its more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing
Nothing will ever be the same
Just when I thought it was going alright, found out I'm wrong when I thought I was right.
It's always the same
It's just a shame
That's all.
I'm the only one I'm afraid of.
Dreaming of screaming
someone kick me outta my mind
I hate these thoughts I can't deny
I sit in my desolate room
no lights
no music.
Just sit there, I've killed everyone.
Was it you that caused me to be like this?
Is it because of the experiences I had with you?
And how you left me?
Is that why I hate myself?
Is that why I don't know who I am?
Fuck you.
Oh how I wish I meant a little more than the symphony of heavy breathing
and the friction of hips.
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
Other times I just wish that life made sense.
What's the point?
I'm lonely more often than I'd like to admit.
Some days I realize just how useless and pointless it is to be alive
And I find myself thinking
once again.
How we're all.
Simply just bricks in the wall.
Could anybody love you,
or is it just a crazy dream?
Could somebody show me
the kind of affection
that you only see in the movies?
You know what I mean.
I hate myself more than I ever let on.
I'm burnt out at 22
I lived too fast
and I loved too much
and I'll die too young
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out
What I had to keep in
I'm ashamed of myself
An unspeakable sin
that I've commited and
I've made mistakes
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for
the things I've failed at before.
I'll give up on me cuz darling, what do you expect?
I'm just a lost cause.
A long shot.
Don't even take this bet.
If I only had a mask
I'd cover these bleeding eyes
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn
If I wake up now
I can be pure again.
If I only had an ax
I'd sever the ties I made with the world
Maybe I could be a stranger
in a strange place.
If I start now maybe I can be saved.
We stop looking for monsters under the bed
when we realize they're inside of us..
I came to a realization
The majority of our generation is so fucked up
always sloshed and high on whatever the fuck they can get their hands on
can't even remember half the adventures they've gone on
I think some of these people have realized
we have nothing here.
Nothing left.
We have so much freedom and so much given to us
that we take advantage of everything
and are never able to be happy.
always wanting more
but not caring to put in any effort.
it's sad.
Rumor has it you don't want my love anymore.
What do I feel?
What do I say?
Fuck you it all goes away.
I was ready to love you
That doesnt happen
I wish
I could make you care.
But that's not how this works.
There's a chill wind going through my soul
and I'm growing old.
Why can't my heart just agree with my brain?
I know I'm better off
I know it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
But I can't help but think
We could have had it all.
You can dance
you can sing
like a puppet on a string
but you ain't in control
of a single thing.
Seriously I feel like I'm being punished because I wanted to see my boyfriend
And that's fucking ridiculous.
At least I goddamn tried!
It's always hard to see the bright side of things
when you're in the dark.
Sometimes I really think that no one will care for me as much as my cat.
She loves me no matter what.
Maybe it's fair to say there was a lack of communication...
You were ahead by a century
and disappointment is getting me down.
If I knew how to be me
Then indeed
I would be free.
- Jenny Brooks-Crowe
I can't even listen to wish you were here...
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do
no matter how much you try
its not going to make any difference?
Sometimes I feel like nothing is really worth doing because things don't change
and even if they did
how am I going to change anything?
My life isn't any better or worse than the next guy
so how could I affect anyone for the better or worse?
I'm so tired of trying to care, completely drained of any hope, desire, and excitement.
The sadness seeps in, taking over my entire body.
Any good I had is destroyed.
All resentment and hate brought forward.
So angry with myself for not knowing how I truly feel about anything.
I'm all torn at the seams
just like you said I'd be.
If this is love then I don't want a part of it.
Obsessive personality = bad in relationships.
Quote from the book Tweak:
"It feels like I mean it, but you can never be sure."
This is how I feel far too often.
Tell me how I'm supposed to seize this day when everything inside of me has died.
The future is what worries me
thinking of my future...
But there won't be a future if I continue to only live day by day.
Now it's time to be positive.
and start creating your future.
If I stop assuming I have no self confidence or no real place in this world
and start creating it instead
I'll be able to move on.
I'll start believing that I am enough
and then communicating will come naturally.
Remember
Silences are not as awkward as you think.
And you are not as awkward either.
The end.
Sometimes you just gotta sit in the hole you made
And suck it up.
I can't help feeling that we could have had it all.
I can't STOP feeling that we would have had it all.
I'm terribly shy when I meet someone new, I'm worse when I meet someone I've heard about before.
So now I gotta stop worrying about shit like this.
Every time I scratch my nails down someone elses back I hope you feel it.
Oh can you feel it?
Death seems more peaceful to me now.
Anythings gotta be better than this place.
On an evening such as this, I don't feel as if I exist.
I know you never meant to do everything you put me through
It's okay, I forgive you.
Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes
I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind.
This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
Well its more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing
Nothing will ever be the same
Just when I thought it was going alright, found out I'm wrong when I thought I was right.
It's always the same
It's just a shame
That's all.
I'm the only one I'm afraid of.
Dreaming of screaming
someone kick me outta my mind
I hate these thoughts I can't deny
I sit in my desolate room
no lights
no music.
Just sit there, I've killed everyone.
Was it you that caused me to be like this?
Is it because of the experiences I had with you?
And how you left me?
Is that why I hate myself?
Is that why I don't know who I am?
Fuck you.
Oh how I wish I meant a little more than the symphony of heavy breathing
and the friction of hips.
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
Other times I just wish that life made sense.
What's the point?
I'm lonely more often than I'd like to admit.
Some days I realize just how useless and pointless it is to be alive
And I find myself thinking
once again.
How we're all.
Simply just bricks in the wall.
Could anybody love you,
or is it just a crazy dream?
Could somebody show me
the kind of affection
that you only see in the movies?
You know what I mean.
I hate myself more than I ever let on.
I'm burnt out at 22
I lived too fast
and I loved too much
and I'll die too young
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out
What I had to keep in
I'm ashamed of myself
An unspeakable sin
that I've commited and
I've made mistakes
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for
the things I've failed at before.
I'll give up on me cuz darling, what do you expect?
I'm just a lost cause.
A long shot.
Don't even take this bet.
If I only had a mask
I'd cover these bleeding eyes
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn
If I wake up now
I can be pure again.
If I only had an ax
I'd sever the ties I made with the world
Maybe I could be a stranger
in a strange place.
If I start now maybe I can be saved.
We stop looking for monsters under the bed
when we realize they're inside of us..
I came to a realization
The majority of our generation is so fucked up
always sloshed and high on whatever the fuck they can get their hands on
can't even remember half the adventures they've gone on
I think some of these people have realized
we have nothing here.
Nothing left.
We have so much freedom and so much given to us
that we take advantage of everything
and are never able to be happy.
always wanting more
but not caring to put in any effort.
it's sad.
Rumor has it you don't want my love anymore.
What do I feel?
What do I say?
Fuck you it all goes away.
I was ready to love you
That doesnt happen
I wish
I could make you care.
But that's not how this works.
There's a chill wind going through my soul
and I'm growing old.
Why can't my heart just agree with my brain?
I know I'm better off
I know it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.
But I can't help but think
We could have had it all.
You can dance
you can sing
like a puppet on a string
but you ain't in control
of a single thing.
Seriously I feel like I'm being punished because I wanted to see my boyfriend
And that's fucking ridiculous.
At least I goddamn tried!
It's always hard to see the bright side of things
when you're in the dark.
Sometimes I really think that no one will care for me as much as my cat.
She loves me no matter what.
Maybe it's fair to say there was a lack of communication...
You were ahead by a century
and disappointment is getting me down.
If I knew how to be me
Then indeed
I would be free.
- Jenny Brooks-Crowe
I can't even listen to wish you were here...
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do
no matter how much you try
its not going to make any difference?
Sometimes I feel like nothing is really worth doing because things don't change
and even if they did
how am I going to change anything?
My life isn't any better or worse than the next guy
so how could I affect anyone for the better or worse?
I'm so tired of trying to care, completely drained of any hope, desire, and excitement.
The sadness seeps in, taking over my entire body.
Any good I had is destroyed.
All resentment and hate brought forward.
So angry with myself for not knowing how I truly feel about anything.
I'm all torn at the seams
just like you said I'd be.
If this is love then I don't want a part of it.
Obsessive personality = bad in relationships.
Quote from the book Tweak:
"It feels like I mean it, but you can never be sure."
This is how I feel far too often.
Tell me how I'm supposed to seize this day when everything inside of me has died.
The future is what worries me
thinking of my future...
But there won't be a future if I continue to only live day by day.
Now it's time to be positive.
and start creating your future.
If I stop assuming I have no self confidence or no real place in this world
and start creating it instead
I'll be able to move on.
I'll start believing that I am enough
and then communicating will come naturally.
Remember
Silences are not as awkward as you think.
And you are not as awkward either.
The end.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Happy 22nd Birthday Crazyface
Have lots of fun this weekend for me.
You deserve it.
21 was a year of change.
Continue that!
Change is good
learning is even better.
Don't think.
Just
Live.
You deserve it.
21 was a year of change.
Continue that!
Change is good
learning is even better.
Don't think.
Just
Live.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I saw Amanda Cartwright the other day.
Made me think about all the people that I've pushed myself away from.
Some of them I'm sure there were reasons for.
But others... it kind of makes me sad.
She was always a good friend
I tell myself lately that she got more judgmental as the years went on
but maybe she just didn't want to be the only one trying..
I was stoned all the time and easily forgot about people.
Especially if I couldn't smoke up with them, or around them.
So now I wonder
was she the judgmental one?
I've noticed a few people who've deleted me off facebook that I had tried to stay friends with, obviously not succeeding in that act.
I don't know what to say to them, or if I should even bother, so I just let it pass.
I guess I've just always figured that if you're a true friend, you don't have to communicate everyday, every week, or every month.
Just as long as you are there to talk, to hang out whenever your friend needs you, at least TRY to be there, or even just hang out to catch up once in a while.
That's all that matters.
But I guess we all slack on that front too...
Tristan is a different story.
I know he got a new phone number and didn't text me the new number.
I know he's angry with me because I said some hurtful things.
And I wish I had the complete answer as to why I said those things.
I just thought he would always be there.
Like he said he would..
Like we said we would.
Friends don't ignore each other.
They reply when they can
or simply say they're busy.
I think what hurt the most was when I was in kingston and sent him a message about it
and I didn't get a response from him.
Not a single word.
Tonight is a rant night.
And I think I'm done.
I should be sleeping anyways...
Made me think about all the people that I've pushed myself away from.
Some of them I'm sure there were reasons for.
But others... it kind of makes me sad.
She was always a good friend
I tell myself lately that she got more judgmental as the years went on
but maybe she just didn't want to be the only one trying..
I was stoned all the time and easily forgot about people.
Especially if I couldn't smoke up with them, or around them.
So now I wonder
was she the judgmental one?
I've noticed a few people who've deleted me off facebook that I had tried to stay friends with, obviously not succeeding in that act.
I don't know what to say to them, or if I should even bother, so I just let it pass.
I guess I've just always figured that if you're a true friend, you don't have to communicate everyday, every week, or every month.
Just as long as you are there to talk, to hang out whenever your friend needs you, at least TRY to be there, or even just hang out to catch up once in a while.
That's all that matters.
But I guess we all slack on that front too...
Tristan is a different story.
I know he got a new phone number and didn't text me the new number.
I know he's angry with me because I said some hurtful things.
And I wish I had the complete answer as to why I said those things.
I just thought he would always be there.
Like he said he would..
Like we said we would.
Friends don't ignore each other.
They reply when they can
or simply say they're busy.
I think what hurt the most was when I was in kingston and sent him a message about it
and I didn't get a response from him.
Not a single word.
Tonight is a rant night.
And I think I'm done.
I should be sleeping anyways...
A Last Tribute to Daisy
I don't know if you still exist.
Maybe the next time I see Shane I'll ask him.
But I want to say that you were wonderful.
My most favourite bong of all.
And if not for you I doubt I would be sober today.
You always got me super high.
And being that high all the time made me realize,
I can't go on being high all the time.
Thank you.
and
I'll miss you.
Maybe the next time I see Shane I'll ask him.
But I want to say that you were wonderful.
My most favourite bong of all.
And if not for you I doubt I would be sober today.
You always got me super high.
And being that high all the time made me realize,
I can't go on being high all the time.
Thank you.
and
I'll miss you.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
FIRST!
Firewalls suck.
how the hell am i supposed to know how to tell it that blogger is okay?
so i shut the thing down if i want to post things on my blog?
that seems safe.
SECOND
I'm going to be really sad when my VCR quits on me.
I enjoy watching VHS far more than i should.
especially with the awful quality.
AND THIRD
I should probably be asleep but i keep feeling bad for things i probably dont need to feel bad about
and i keep forgetting to ask people to get the 22nd-24th off work.
just a small birthday party this year?
with the close friends
and some fun drugs..
sounds good to me!
munchkin i hope, other card games, and board games.
probably the bar one of the nights, just cuz its been a while.
and ice cream cake!
yes.
we shall keep that a secret from sabrina.
cuz ice cream cake ROCKS!
OH FORTH!
I got a snowman cake yesterday.
picture will be on facebook soon probs.
only the head though, we ate the bottom.
he was a two ball snowman, three balls would have been an excessive amount of cake.
BEDTIME BITCHES!
oh oh ps.
The Fisher King was a good movie.
crazy insane through some of the middle parts
but a wonderful heartwarming ending that left me really super giddy
and ready to take on life whether or not its the way i want life to be.
BECAUSE THAT'S LIFE!
how the hell am i supposed to know how to tell it that blogger is okay?
so i shut the thing down if i want to post things on my blog?
that seems safe.
SECOND
I'm going to be really sad when my VCR quits on me.
I enjoy watching VHS far more than i should.
especially with the awful quality.
AND THIRD
I should probably be asleep but i keep feeling bad for things i probably dont need to feel bad about
and i keep forgetting to ask people to get the 22nd-24th off work.
just a small birthday party this year?
with the close friends
and some fun drugs..
sounds good to me!
munchkin i hope, other card games, and board games.
probably the bar one of the nights, just cuz its been a while.
and ice cream cake!
yes.
we shall keep that a secret from sabrina.
cuz ice cream cake ROCKS!
OH FORTH!
I got a snowman cake yesterday.
picture will be on facebook soon probs.
only the head though, we ate the bottom.
he was a two ball snowman, three balls would have been an excessive amount of cake.
BEDTIME BITCHES!
oh oh ps.
The Fisher King was a good movie.
crazy insane through some of the middle parts
but a wonderful heartwarming ending that left me really super giddy
and ready to take on life whether or not its the way i want life to be.
BECAUSE THAT'S LIFE!
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